“My body is not currency for common courtesy.”

Dating now sometimes feels like an episode of reality TV—full of meaningless drama. I don’t know if it’s my city or my generation, but the standards in dating are disappointing.

Why do some men act as if access to a woman’s body is the reward for basic decency? But a woman with common decency and standards is simply expected. A man who doesn’t cheat, doesn’t abuse you, and has a job is considered the golden ticket. But a woman who cooks, cleans, works, hustles, goes to church, gives more than she takes, and holds things down somehow still isn’t enough.

What’s wild is that the older I get, the more I notice how many women are simply asking for basic respect—not the fairytale they may have once imagined.

Have you ever been called clingy when you were actually searching for consistency? Asked for honesty and suddenly labeled crazy or controlling? Said you wanted to be pursued intentionally and were told you were moving too fast? Asked for stability and got called a gold digger?

Somewhere along the timeline of modern dating, effort started being mistaken for extra credit instead of the standard.

Men often see a woman and think sexually first. Women tend to see if they’re attracted, and then they start imagining the possibility of something deeper. They think about how he’d fit into their life. What their friends might say. What their family might think. Before sex is even a factor, the mind has already gone down a rabbit hole of what ifs.

A man thinks:

“I called you beautiful.”
“I picked up the tab.”
“I texted good morning.”

And suddenly the assumption becomes that intimacy is the natural next step—as if attraction automatically equals access.

Why is a woman’s body treated like the equivalent of a thank-you card or a cup of coffee?

I understand dating someone and realizing it doesn’t work out. That’s part of life. But why does something so intimate have to be expected before even knowing if you’re truly compatible with a person?

What happened to chivalry? The kind where a man wanted to be your friend first—where he showed you how he moved without expecting sex in return.

My body is not currency for common courtesy. It should not be the equivalent exchange for effort that should have been there in the first place.

Which leads me to more questions.

Why can’t a woman be interested in someone without agreeing that sex is supposed to follow?

Why are men like this?

And why were we ever expected to accept it?

When you start valuing yourself differently, the behavior around you becomes a lot more obvious. The more time I spend alone—and out from under a man’s spell—the closer I get to God. And the more I realize I’m worth more than being another name on someone’s checklist.I’ve started noticing the entitlement. The quiet negotiations men try to make without ever saying them out loud.

Everything has become transactional in the dating pool. It’s often understood that the supply of “good men” is low while the demand for them is high. So men present themselves as top quality while offering poor effort. In return, women are sold a dream at a very high price. And in order for us to buy into it, we’re manipulated into thinking we’re getting a great deal.

Some man reading this might say I sound hurt or bitter. I’d say I’m observant—and aware of the mistakes I’ve made in the past. And if these words hit a nerve, there might be some truth in them.

Most women desire respect, marriage, children, stability, and love in the language that feels right for them. Ask a man his love language and many will say physical touch. (I challenge you to test that theory.)

Men know what women want, especially in their late twenties and thirties. He may say he wants those things too—and he might.nBut if his actions don’t match his words, then he simply doesn’t want them with you. You may just be another great piece to add to his collection in the meantime. Maybe even a top-shelf piece—but not the showcase piece.

It often feels like there are already more women than men. When you factor in the ratio of good men to good women, it creates an unspoken competition—even if that’s not what most women want. If there are endless options on the table, why would he feel pressure to choose? Why settle when perfection might be one swipe away? Maybe that’s why so many women feel the pressure of the clock running out. We understand how hard it can be to find the “perfect” man.

And if I’m honest, one place where us women sometimes disappoint ourselves is when we turn our bodies into part of the negotiation. We know what the man wants, so we try to use it to reel him in—or even change him. But when men receive that so often, many of them begin to feel entitled to it.

Men search and find mermaids. Women search for fish in the sea and somehow end up settling for blood-sucking sharks or lost Nemos.

Because of this, women are constantly trying to prove themselves as the best option.

In a world full of women who are also finding themselves, you’re surrounded by the “pick-mes” who will fight even harder for the same thing you want. So what actually makes you different without becoming someone you’re not? Should you make a man wait? Or does it really not matter?  

A guy friend once told me that men only do two things: “What they want and what you allow.” Which means the real key is boundaries.

Being a D Girl means learning your worth in real time.

Sometimes in the middle of awkward conversations. Sometimes through disappointing dates. Sometimes through those quiet moments when you realize you’re being offered less than what you deserve. Unfortunately, I understand that this stance might result in many lonely nights.I just pray it isn’t forever.

Maybe it’s my city. Maybe it’s my generation. Or maybe we’ve all just gotten a little too comfortable lowering the price of admission.Because the truth is, the exchange rate in dating right now feels wildly off.

— D. Your girl,